Resolving to Resurrect
The beating heart sounds the drum of the living.
Every undulation is a new wave for life. A throb pounds in my chest.
Racing wildly when nervous. Barely stirring while sleeping. Pounding deliberately while dancing.
Then when my grief waves over me, LOSS pulls my pain into the deep abyss of Payne’s grey and my heart becomes a ghost: hollow, an apparition, a nebulous image.
I am foolish enough to think I can will it to STOP! Stop the undulating motions of being.
My pain falls in on itself like a black hole. Disappearing without any trace.
A gravitational pull so intense no matter can escape.
I allow myself to follow: my bones vanishing, my form wilting into black vapor. Collapsing upon myself, becoming two dimensional, the vacuum stealing my breath. Undefined. A shadow. Nothingness.
And in that nothingness I feel the embodiment of your being. Is existence possible without you?
We shared a heart rhythm: the light in the corner of your eyes, the sunlight ablaze on your perfect face, the quirky smile. Your smell. The movement of your mouth when you laugh.
When your eyes opened to mine, for a brief moment caught off guard, I thought I saw myself. In that instant, you were beautiful, magnificent. And so was I. Thank you for the gift.
I thought losing you was a matter of enduring time, but the enduring consumed ALL time…
And time gave way to evolution.
Without you, I will never be the same. Emerging from the bleak, forsaken, apocalypse of your departure, I feel the sun hit my face and know that if I’m to go on, it will be a resurrection.
I will become something different. Freeing myself from myself.
I fight to rise into the radiance of life, the undulating heartbeat pounds.
The wind invites my hair to dance. I can do it Dear, I WILL do it. I will live for Me,
And because of You.