Repairing Family Dysfunction
Repairing Family Dysfunction requires taking a look at those things that are very unhealthy in the family, subconsciously or consciously, and freeing the self to gain autonomy in life. This is accomplished by gaining new tools for repairing the family dynamic.
Rupert Sheldrake: Morphic Resonance
British biologist Rupert Sheldrake, who studied both at Cambridge and Harvard and has written over 100 scientific papers and nine books, is best known for his theory of morphic resonance. He published a book in 1981 called A New Science of Life. In this book, he explains this unique theory.
Sheldrake postulates that there is a family field which carries transgenerational memory and unconscious influences from family members. In other words, once a family member, always a family member. But the dynamics of interacting with family can change, becoming toxic.
This concept was also picked up by systemic family therapist, Virginia Satir and later in the 1970s by German psychotherapist, Bert Hellinger.
Orders of Love & Family Constellation
When Bert Hellinger introduced his Family Constellation work, he also introduced “the orders of love” within a family system. By combining these two, the result is a therapeutic approach with the purpose of uncovering hidden dynamics in families that cause emotional or psychological pain and dysfunction.
According to Sheldrake, the morphogenetic field is “an invisible field that acts as collective memory, which transmits characteristics across both space and time.” This means that within a family system, there might be invisible loyalties that form. We may not even be aware of these loyalties.
Such loyalties can be healthy or unhealthy. When they align with family values and expectations, such as caring for an elderly parent, they are healthy. But when they are hidden, such as family secrets, unspoken truths, or imaginary debts, these loyalties can be very dysfunctional.
Repair your Relationship and Build Strong Bonds for Personal Growth
Unconscious Loyalties & Entanglements
An example of unhealthy loyalties would be: a family member who unconsciously chooses a violent partner out of invisible loyalty to a mother who also experienced domestic violence. Sometimes it is phrased another way, a person may say, “This is what I know, because this is what my mother did, and this is what I was exposed to as a child. Therefore, I have repeated the pattern.” That is a way of framing it. But basically, this is an unconscious loyalty.
Without realizing it, a person may spend his or her life trying to fix an old family drama or paying a debt that does not belong to them. In addition, there may be unconscious entanglements. These entanglements are defined as “a repetition of patterns and symptoms or destinies from one generation to the next.”
With proper awareness, unconscious loyalties or entanglements may be addressed and released. This way we develop conscious, chosen loyalties that connect us to ourselves, to others, and life in a free and loving way.
Three Unhealthy Patterns in a Family System
Let us look at some unhealthy patterns that may form in family dynamics:
Triangulation
Triangulation is where two people in a family, who are in conflict, involve a third person to avoid direct confrontation. Instead of being transparent, and going directly to the person, a family member might instead confide in a different family member. For example, an angry father confiding in a son, thereby forming an alliance against a mother.
When issues are avoided because we are afraid of speaking our truth to others, secrets are formed and invisible barriers are established. The remedy to this is to learn to stand strong in truth and develop better communication skills for self-expression.
Coalitions
Coalitions are when two family members purposely form an alliance against a third. For example, two sisters gang up against a brother. This again may be conscious or unconscious, but when there’s a coalition, the third person feels left out, and feels ganged up on. The remedy for coalitions is to learn to honor and embrace every family member.
And what if you are the one being “ganged up on?” You can learn tools for inclusion and ways to kindly express your feelings.
Scapegoat
A scapegoat is a member onto whom all problems and tensions of the family are projected. There may be a dislike of this person, of their lifestyle, or their point of view. They then take the brunt of the family dysfunction. The scapegoat is often blamed for conflicts and turmoil.
All three of these dysfunctional dynamics will wreak havoc on the whole family if not addressed. To achieve balance, understanding, and unconditional love there must be order within.
Family Dynamics are Improved for Personal Growth during a family retreat
Healthy Order in a Family
When Hellinger speaks of the orders of love, he’s talking about the orders that need to be in place to have a healthy family dynamic. The key points, according to Hellinger are as follows:
- Parents give and children receive
- Everyone has a place in the family
- There needs to be a balance of giving and taking
- Those who come first into the system have priority over those who come later
These are fundamental principles that contribute to healthy relationships and living a life of harmony and joy. Basically, all members of a family have the right to feel like they belong, irrespective of their circumstances or choices. When we honor the inherent worth of all family members, we restore wholeness to the family unit.
Likewise, when we honor the proper hierarchy of a family system, we embrace the wisdom that flows through the lineage. Conversely, when we disrupt the order, problems will occur and will not be rectified until order has been restored. For example: parents hold a unique responsibility of loving, guiding, and protecting their children. If the child takes on this role, the hierarchical flow has been disrupted and will need to be restored before peace can be obtained.
Family Dynamic Sessions at SpiritQuest
To lend support in correcting these hierarchical displacements, or unhealthy loyalties & entanglements, SpiritQuest Retreats offers a variety of sessions.
One is the DNA Light Body Activation, which looks at the family history, the ancestry, and the lineage of your family system. It may even dive into a past life lineage. And it also looks at the present-day lineage. By exploring these, coaches at SpiritQuest can help you unravel expectations, hurt, and pain within your family. The concept is that we all are light beings but our light becomes dim as we get caught in unhealthy patterns.
Another popular session is Healing the Family from Within. This session is about looking deeply within us and addressing these issues while moving away from the chaos. Sometimes it is most healthy to return the issue to the person who is dealing with it and not trying to be too involved in everyone else’s journey, everyone else’s karma, everyone else’s path. You learn to claim our own life and soul path journey while having sympathy and compassion for others.
Restoring Health in Your Family Unit
Find the freedom and autonomy that is rightfully yours so you may pass down a healthy lineage and a healthy family system. Working with a spiritual coach brings about a reconciliation through grace where wounds and resentments transform into compassion and unconditional love.
This is the expertise of SpiritQuest Sedona Retreats. We are a team of relationship experts. We explore relationships with the self, with others, and within the family system. This is where the right of belonging is reestablished, the order and hierarchy is restored, and the balance of giving and receiving is embraced.
The result is a more expansive consciousness where everything is connected and apparent divisions dissolve.
We would love to help you restore your healthy family dynamic.
