Self-Love, Self-Esteem, and Empowerment for Women

This informational guide is for women seeking to 1. build self-worth, confidence, and self-love, 2. set healthy boundaries, and 3. reconnect with their essence.

Understanding Self-Love, Self-Esteem, and Self-Worth

What is self-love? In an age of growing narcissism and isolation, how can self-love be the antidote? Self-love is the opposite of narcissism, for narcissism comes from a deep, embedded self-loathing. It is a self-loathing that consumes the self and spirit. It also consumes each moment as an opportunity for the ego to “prove” it has value. There is no rest in this hungry state. By contrast, existing in radical self-love and self-acceptance means your personality is deeply stable. You are not hungry and seeking validation, love, or meaning outside of yourself. You are a universe: your spirit/heart is like the sun, and the rest of you revolves around this steady warmth.

Self-love is a radical state of being. By contrast, self-esteem is a positive mental state where you are not locked into a self-effacing mental pattern. You can recognize that you have many great attributes. You also can see that you have some shortcomings. Your shortcomings are something you are willing to work on, laugh at, and sometimes just accept with grace and humility (but never do these chip away at your fundamental self-love).

Self-worth sits in between these two. Self-worth isn’t a spiritual or radical state, and it isn’t a skillful mental state. Having a strong sense of self-worth can be hard for some women who were raised by parents that rewarded them with love for accomplishment. In situations where love has to be earned, deep harm to the sense of self can occur. Low self-worth can be the cause of low self-esteem and a lack of self-love.

Having low self-worth can have a tremendous impact on confidence and personal relationships. It can affect every facet of your life. In women, we find a lack of fundamental self-worth creates doubt, anxiety, fear, fawning behavior, sensitivity to criticism, and a constant search for safety and love in all the wrong places.

How to Build Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

To build healthy self-esteem and self-love, you must start with your sense of self-worth. Did you have to perform to feel validated? Did you feel cherished as a child? Did you feel love was conditional? These wounds need to be addressed head-on with modalities like inner child healing. Inner child healing sessions help you to not only mentally identify the patterns you grew up with, but also to feel and release pent-up anger, pain, and resentment.

You can then begin to challenge ideas that you do not have inherent self-worth, and begin to replace negative thoughts with positive self-esteem. This is where you begin to practice a healthy mental state daily. You actively choose to catch and challenge negative self-talk. You replace that talk with a positive view of yourself. For instance, if you catch yourself saying, “You sound so dumb when you talk,” catch it, and replace it with a kinder version like, “I am learning to express myself so well! Everyone feels self-conscious sometimes, and everyone says things that are clumsy from time to time.”

Remember, people with low self-esteem are often MORE conscientious, MORE aware, MORE sensitive, and MORE agreeable than average. You are hard on yourself because you are awesome; it is a hidden superpower. If you could redirect the energy you are currently sending inward outward instead, you would find a growing sense of confidence. As your thinking changes, and your internal dynamic is geared around intrinsic self-worth, you will begin to feel true self-love.

From this state, you will start to trust your own decisions and take responsibility for all results, good and bad. You will act without needing validation from others. But the deepest, most wonderful result of all this work is finally feeling at peace in your own skin.

How to Recognize and Overcome Patterns That Undermine Your Self-Worth

There is more to uncover in this story, however. How do you overcome chronic people-pleasing and fawning? How do you make peace with disappointing others? How do you stop comparing yourself to other women? What about perfectionism and unrealistic expectations? What about feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness? Or staying in situations that conflict with your values?

The process isn’t linear. You may start to develop self-worth only to have triggers that make you question your value. You may make progress with better self-esteem only for a bad mood to trigger a slew of uncontrolled negative thinking. The first steps are to recognize all the above as unhelpful manifestations of low self-esteem, a lack of self-worth, and faltering self-love. Just recognizing that is a massive win. Start there.

We love meditation for this journey, as the mind’s wanderings can tell you a lot about your subconscious thoughts. Meditation also trains you to be more aware so you can capture these unskillful patterns as they arise. You cannot challenge what you don’t even recognize or see! Now you might be in a dark room, bumping into painful objects at random, but if you practice mindfulness, it is like turning a light on. There are still obstacles, but you can SEE them. Therefore, you can move them, throw them away, and so on, you regain your power and confidence.

Setting Boundaries and Learning to Put Yourself First

Women, by nature or by nurture, tend to care. We care what people think; we care if they are happy. We score high on measures of conscientiousness. What a lovely trait it is to be conscientious. But sometimes this lovely trait can blur toward fawning behavior, where you need to please people to feel okay. To be pleasing is to be okay, and that gives away all your personal power. Unhealthy dynamics can be built if you give away this power to others.

Healthy boundaries mean saying no without excessive guilt. They mean balance: balancing care of self with care of others. They mean recognizing your needs, too. Don’t lose your caring nature, just make sure that your inner motivation is clear. Help because you want to, out of love. Do not help out of obligation, fear, or guilt.

Learn to look deeply into your deepest motivations. Write about your decisions to engage with others in a journal and be honest. If you find you are giving to receive, to feel secure, or to feel wanted or needed, don’t judge yourself! Just decide if this is who you want to be. Act with clarity, and you will find that clearer relationships will find you.

Women’s Empowerment Through Self-Discovery

A way to build self-worth is to value yourself and your identity beyond your roles, to build a life that reflects who YOU are. To do this, you need to know who you are. We hear often that after years of serving others, women forget who they even are. You need to understand and articulate your needs, values, and aspirations. And find the confidence to make the changes you know need to happen.

This is where the journey departs for every individual. Some need to leave and go on a specialized women’s retreat or some other adventure to find the space for the inner voice to be heard again. Find your ability to stand in your truth with grace.

Reconnecting With Yourself Through Spirituality, Nature, and Self-Expression

For me, nature is the greatest of allies. In my story, nature is the greatest and most profound teacher, healing my heart, connecting me with my spiritual self, centering me in the strength of my body, and immersing me in beauty which I find in myself and outwardly (for if you can perceive beauty, you must also be of beauty). If nature isn’t your thing, what makes you light up?

Art has also been deeply important to me. Self-expression is a form of self-love, for I value my time, my skill, and my attention enough to focus it in a way that creates joy in my heart. I also found myself in motherhood, for loving my son healed my heart in ways that allowed profound self-love to pour over me: I mothered myself into self-love.

Our founder, Katherine, wrote a whole book about her journey to self-discovery, which led to the creation of SpiritQuest Sedona Retreats.

Emotional Healing and Your Journey Toward Self-Acceptance

Your journey will look different, so different, and the world needs what you have to say and express. That is why you need to figure out your needs, your passions, your interests, your hopes. You may have to leave home like Katherine, or find it in your own backyard. No way is better. Trust your instincts.

Start trusting your inner voice, no matter how small or trivial the request. Get the thing at the grocery store, drive that new way to work, say the thing to your friend, try the thing that seems ridiculous. The wonderful thing about this journey is that it is fun and exciting if you trust yourself to find yourself.

As you trust yourself more, start releasing those beliefs that no longer serve you.

Practical Ways to Strengthen Self-Love and Self-Esteem: Quick-Start Guide

Reflective questions and journaling prompts

• Think back as far as you can, what did you want to be as a girl?
• When you were a girl, what “lit you up”?
• Can you remember when this light dimmed? What caused it?
• If money were no object, what would you do right now?
• Write or draw your ideal life, what color is it? What shape? Where is it?
• What holds you back?
• How do you contribute to things that hold you back?
• Find a painful moment from the past that you feel holds you back, are you willing to love that hurt person? Are you willing to let that hurt go?

Daily self-compassion practices

• Write about your personal values: Write a list of things that are important to you. What makes a good person? What is it to lead a good life?
• Take a small step toward healthier boundaries. Say no. Just one time in a low stakes demand, and do not explain or apologize. Say: I am unable to attend. Catch you next time. You can still be nice, but avoid over explaining, apologizing, and guilt-tripping yourself.
• Recognize progress: Always notice when you have a breakthrough. Did you make time to journal? Did you put your thing first (or second) this time instead of dead last? Did you notice negative self-talk and challenge it? Did you express a need in a skillful and loving way? Did you say no, and not feel guilty? Yay! Every win in a major gain.

Good Luck on your self-love journey! If you are wondering if a self-love retreat is right for you, read this article.

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